During the first round of the Masters, Tiger’s playing partners, Miguel Angel Jimenez and Sang-Moon Bae both notice that he has a pair of women’s thongs protruding from his left sleeve. Not wanting to see Tiger become the target of even more media ridicule, they take him aside after Flowering Peach (the third hole).

“Tiger,” Jimenez says. “I don’t know if you realize it, but you’ve got some bimbo’s thongs stuck to your sleeve.”

Tiger just laughed. “Oh, it’s ok.” he said. “I’m on the patch.”

I just made this up, so if it’s not funny, I’m entirely to blame. It’s modified from another joke I heard:

Two rednecks are speeding while drinking and driving down a country road. A state trooper pulls them over.

“Quick,” Jimbo says to Billy Bob. “Pull a couple of labels off those beer bottles.”

Jimbo does, and Billy Bob slaps one on his shoulder.

The Trooper steps up to the car. “You boys been drinking?” he asks.

“It’s ok, officer,” said Billy Bob as he pulled up his sleeve. “I’m on the patch.”

The strategic television angles used by ESPN and CBS prevent most of us from seeing the real hazards at The Masters. Fortunately, one crack videographer snuck a camera in and revealed the secrets:

Declaring the results of the 1968 Masters “a travesty of justice,” Augusta National Chairman Billy Payne says the club has retroactively awarded the Green Jacket to Roberto DeVicenzo.

In the 1968 tournament, DeVicenzo made a birdie on the par 4 seventeenth, but Tommy Aaron, his playing partner accidentally entered a 4 instead. DeVicenzo did not check the card before signing it, and under the rules of golf, the higher score had to be counted. If the correct score had been counted, DeVicenzo would have faced Bob Goaly in an 18 hole playoff the next day.

A meeting was held in Bobby Jones’ cabin, but in the end, there were no rules to fix the problem. If he had signed for a score lower than he earned, he would have been disqualified. By signing for one higher, he had to accept the score.

“I play golf all over the world for 30 years, and now all I can think of is what a stupid I am to be wrong in this wonderful tournament,” De Vicenzo said. “Never have I ever done such a thing.”

Payne said that the slate of recent rules miscues also prompted the club’s board of directors to examine ways to make the game of golf more fun. This is just the symbolic beginning of our movement, Payne said. The club also intends to restore the original tees at Augusta, and to push for changes to USGA and R&A rules increasing the ball cup size by two inches.

“We remember the excitement generated by Tiger’s chip in from off the green in at the 2005 tournament, and think that a larger hole would allow more people to replicate that shot,” Payne said.

Preacher, one of my playing partners yesterday, is one of the more interesting characters I’ve met on the course. An Associate Pastor, he’s got quite a game. He outdrove me on several holes, hit greens in regulation and displayed a very good short game. His only failing was his putting. Even so, I’m sure he was playing bogey golf or better. None of that is particularly remarkable but for this: he’s 80. He looks 60 and plays 50.

Matching his golf game is his ability to tell stories. Here’s one:

“I played with a guy the other day who found 5,000 dollars on the golf course. And after I talked to him, he decided to turn the entire thing in to the police.

It’s true. It was all over the news.

Then another friend of mine found a wad of cash, and he said that because the first guy was so honest, he was going to turn it in, too. But he never did tell me how much money was in that pile.

Now if I could just get them both to keep an honest score.”

I hate Leap Years. The notion of an extra February day is a terrible one.

I propose legislation mandating an extra day in June or July so we have an extra day every four years to enjoy golf.

This joke was sent to me by Friend of the GolfBlogger DFC:

The panic-stricken golfer charged into the clubhouse, grabbed the pro by the arm and said, “You have to help! I was on the 9th hole and I hit a terrible slice. The ball sailed right off the course and hit a guy riding a motorcycle. He lost control and swerved into the path of
a truck. The truck tried to stop but jack-knifed, rolled over and broke apart. It was carrying hundreds of bee hives and now the angry bees are attacking everyone in sight. It’s awful! It’s a disaster! What should I do?”

The pro replied, “Well, the first thing is you’ve got to keep your arms straight and remember to get your right hand a bit more under the club.”