Of all the dangers that lurk on a golf course, I would never have numbered chipmunks among them

Until yesterday.

As we were standing on the first tee, waiting for the group ahead of us to clear out, two chipmunks came dashing out from a stand of pine trees to our left, heading straight for our little group.

“That’s cute,” I thought for a fleeting moment. “They’re not afraid of us.”

And that’s when all hell broke loose.

Those two cute little rodents ran straight at Dave, up his leg like it was a tree and into his shorts. Dave began shaking frantically, trying to dislodge them. The chipmunks got out of his shorts almost immediately, but then began to circumnavigate his thigh like it was the trunk of a hairy sapling. Dave then began swatting at them with his hand, and only then did they scurry back to the trees.

It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen (not so funny to Dave, though and I’m extraordinarily glad that I wasn’t the victim of the attack.). If I had a camera, the video would have been the grand prize winner on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Dave suffered a few scratches, but most of the damage was done to his pride. There now will be no end to the chipmunk jokes told at the friday night golf league.

In spite of snowfall earlier in the week, temperatures in the forties and twenty-mile-an-hour winds. I’ve managed to play each of the last two days. For your friendly neighborhood golf blogger, any sunny spring day in Michigan is an excuse to get out on the course.

There were just four cars in the lot Wednesday, and the only other player I saw was on his way out.

“It’s only us crazies out here,” he quipped.

I quickly discovered why the sane had stayed home. I had to put my earmuffs on before leaving the lot, and after stopping at the pro shop, returned to the car for another layer of clothing. The air temperature wasn’t that bad; the wind was cutting.

My first tee shot was into the breeze, and what initially seemed like a good shot rose into the sky like a shuttle launch, then fell like a meteor. My second, a three wood, went just 170 yards, hit a hard spot and bounced right into a patch of snow under a large tree.

Fortunately, it came to rest on some “grass”, rather than in the snow itself. I pitched to the green, and three putted for a triple.

Two holes later, I wasn’t so lucky. Standing in the fairway, I could see a large patch of snow behind the green in the shade of a pine. I could have mistaken it for a sand trap if I was unfamiliar with the course. But the traps are a shade of municipal course brown. The snow is white as the sand at Augusta.

Just don’t hit it long, I thought.

So of course I did. My ball headed straight for the white stuff and made a visible plop as it landed.

I was unsure of what to do as I approached the green. Does a patch of snow constitute “standing water” under USGA rules? Did I have to play the ball as it lies? Or, under some obscure ruling, does a patch of snow constitute a “hazard,” preventing me from even grounding my club?

It would be just like the USGA to have some sort of ruling on snow that works against the mid handicapper.

Erring on the side of caution, I decided to play out of the “snow trap.” With my wedge, I splashed the ball out, spraing my front with wet slush. It plopped onto the edge of the green and made a few rotations toward the hole. Not a good effort.

Legend has it that the Eskimo have dozens of words for snow. I believe at that moment that I added a few of my own.

It was cool and windy as I began my round, but I was not alone on the course. Any hint of spring brings Michigan’s dedicated golfers out in force. There were a couple dozen cars in the lot, two pair on the first tee and several others in the shop. Since I was only walking nine, the pro sent me out back where I would be ahead of the afternoon groups crowding the front.

In spite of yesterday’s snow,  fairways and greens today were for the first time showing signs of a color other than brown. All of the ice had fled the ponds, and I swear I saw the first signs of buds on the willows. It was all so hopeful.

Unfortunately, I still can’t say the same about my game. Short and left was my mantra today. Following a solid first hole bird, I reeled off a string of bogeys and doubles that made me thankful there was no one watching.

But I really wasn’t keeping score. Instead,  I worked on a tip I saw in a golf magazine recently that I thought might help cure my tendency toward a “chicken wing.” I concentrated on keeping my left arm soft, while making a full body rotation. Without video, I can’t be sure that it worked, but I did manage to produce some very nice full behind-the-ear finishes—a sign that things are on the right track.

I managed to get out for another early spring nine this past weekend, this time at Green Oaks in Ypsilanti. Green Oaks is an ideal course for this time of year because it drains so well. With the exception of one hole (the twelfth), it avoids the soggy spots that often afflict other area courses. Legend has it that the entire course is built on sand. The greens certainly must be. Ten minutes after a rain storm, they’re perfectly playable.

The mercury said that it was fifty degrees, but with the breezes, the wind chill had to be in the mid-30s. I was wearing a pair of winter golfing gloves, and my fingers still were cold. Still, the sun was out, the sky was (mostly) blue, and I reminded myself that I have played in much, much worse weather.

I was paired up with a local optometrist who also was walking. We both struggled; I had distance issues, and he had a nasty hook. The Doc never saw the right side of anything on the course. Of course, his right side was thirty yards past my middle.

I was a bit discouraged, but the Doc had the right attitude.

“Hey,” he said on several occasions. “It’s only March.”

And of course he was right. In Michigan, spring golf is a precarious thing, and it’s not often that weather and work/family schedules coincide. There have been years in which my first round was in April. As a High School girls golf coach, we’ve had seasons where there was a threat of snow at every match. There was one year when it was snowing on the day of state regionals in May.

I made good progress with my game yesterday. My ball striking was solid, and most of my shots were on line. I still was a club short—but that’s much better than the previous outing, where I was at least two short. My driving needs a lot of work, though. I keep popping them up, and my average was just over 200 yards. That’s not acceptable.

But hey. It’s only March.

I recently received in the mail Golf Life’s 2009 “Definitive Guide To the Golf Life” yearbook.

It left me depressed. From what I can gather from the articles in the magazine, living the “golf life” is going to require a substantial hike in my paltry teacher’s salary. Here’s just a small selection of the things Golfweek thinks I’m going to need:

* $80 polo shirts from a a variety of high tech and exotic fabrics

* $190 adidas sunglasses
* $33,000 Rolex Yacht Master II watch
* $2,000 Davidoff desktop humidor
* $7,000 Viking Outdoor Grill
* $14,000 700 square foot artificial putting green
* $40,000 indoor golf simulator
* $2,000 Klipsich Icon XF-48 speakers for your (presumably even more expensive) stereo system
* $350,000 Maybach 52 automobile
* fractional ownership in a corporate jet at some unspecified price

and

* a million dollar home on one of their recommended residential course

My version of the golf life is somewhat different. In The GolfBlogger’s world, it’s:

* $20 golf shirts from T.J Maxx. (Sometimes I even get lucky and find a big name brand. I have scored Nicklaus, Norman and Bobby Jones shirts, for example.)
* $20 sunglasses from REI
* a $15 plastic Timex.
* No humidor needed. Mrs. GolfBlogger wouldn’t allow smoking.
* $200 Weber propane grill
* $0.50 in gas to go to the local course’s practice putting green
* $10 copy of last year’s Tiger Woods PGA Tour computer game.
* $100 speakers to go with my 18 year old stereo system, which is hooked to my 17 year old 27 inch television.
* $25,000 Subaru Forester
* a plane trip once every three years to somewhere interesting. Last time I went to Torrey Pines to play.
* trips to courses where I can look at million dollar homes. I’ve recently played two of the recommended courses on Golf World’s list: Forest Dunes and Tullymore.

I suspect there are a lot more like me than there are of “them.”