Her Way: Young Women Remake the Sexual Revolution

In Her Way, journalist Paula Kamen traces what she calls a sexual evolution, a slow but profound change in how women relate to their sexualities. Thirtysomething Kamen uses surveys (some more scientific than others), scholarly and popular literature, pop entertainment, and her own open-ended interviews with a wide variety of women to paint a picture of younger women who are more confident about their sexual selves (be they virginal or promiscuous) and in negotiating what they want in bed and their love relationships.

In keeping with the book's sex-positive message, the emphasis is on women's agency and on further possibilities for broadly satisfying sexual and interpersonal relationships. There is little about, for example, sexual violence, including date rape. Kamen has distilled a wealth of research in an engaging and accessible form, and she does not shy away from a more subtle commentary that notes the persistence of a sexual double standard for men and women. She also points out that we are still operating on "basic male definitions of sex or sexual freedoms" and asks whether, perhaps, in the words of the bumper sticker, "Women who strive to be equal to men aren't ambitious enough." --J. Riches

Product Description
It’s been twenty-five years since Shere Hite’s revealing report on American women’s sex lives and, surprisingly, no one has undertaken an update–until now. Based on more than one hundred candid interviews with women representing a full spectrum of classes, races, sexual preferences, and relationship options, Her Way delivers a frontline account of today’s sexual “evolution.”

Unlike the countless prescriptive books that give women a romanticized take on what they should be doing, Her Way offers an eye-opening perspective on what they are doing. Giving voice to their empowering experiences, journalist Paula Kamen provides a glimpse into the underreported world of modern post-boomer women, a generation that doesn’t view men as mere meal tickets, enjoys guilt-free one-night stands, and is comfortable being single and making the decision to have sex–or not–on its own terms. An unprecedented portrait of contemporary womanhood’s emerging new identity, Her Way captures a new way of liberated living.

The book as a whole is indeed written with that kind of insecurity whose hope is to have the kinds of claims Kamen makes be automatically accepted whole sale by the masses to assuage whatever fear of male advantage that women like Kamen unwitting and ironically are arguing men have over women--whether it be sexual or non-sexual.

Additionally, the pro-female tone is more than merely pro women but housing a female supremacy quality that can only serve to distance men from whichever woman would be constantly putting the kinds of demands on men that Kamen claims women now expect and demand--and indeed often do.

What is offensive for me as a man is the underlying assumption that the book is based on: that men must set the directives of women's needs and wants inside and outside of the bedroom, thus constraining women's lives. Kamen then goes on to argue that women have become more like men sexually and then continues from there to back peddle and say that although women are becoming more alike to men, they are still proceeding in a uniquely "female" manner. The attempt to reconcile these two incompatible claims, however, prove more affected than believable.

Whether man or a woman, and regardless of sexual orientation, who wants to have "demands" of any kind placed on them? In virtually every matter of life individuals must come to terms with not only their own needs and desires but those of others. Contentions naturally arise and comprimises must be made. This is true in sex as well of other areas of living. Kamen, however, conveniently ignores these more practical considerations and instead presents a very one-sided picture, which not surprisingly places women in the superior role of having her expectations given, while somehow male expectations and desires should be supplanted. Moreover, adding insult to injury, she claims that women are still wanting of equality in all considerations. Whatever...

Every male that I know who has read this book has been irritated by its comments and claims, and that should tell women like Kamen that far from bringing the sexes together as she claims, she serves as a diversive agent between men and women.

This book is not even worth the time.


Monomanical and Tendentacious   January 23, 2002
 17 out of 29 found this review helpful

After reading this book I had to so: "So what? What were you trying to prove?" Women are more sexual. Women are more demanding. Women are more in control. Women have more power. *yawn* Women have more education. Women now make more money. Women are very more independent... And women can tie their own shoes and women can whipe their own noses. Hallelujua. Momma's going to hang that special report card with the gold star on her refrigerator for all the world to see.

Once you get pass the rather drawn-out go-grrl self-congratulatory back-patting and actually look further into what is often claimed in the book and contrast it with common experience, you notice that there are many questionable statistics proffered as well as insulting inconsistencies between the tone of the book and the said want for equal partners with men--sexually and otherwise. For instance, Kamen alleges that today's college women are more sexual then their male peers. She states this "fact" from a survey she had done and with a see-we-women-are-sexually-more-powerful-now-than-men bathos. Less than a decade ago while a freshman in college I can recall the infamous sex survey that alleged a majority of men said they would rape a woman if they thought they could get away with it. It ended up that many of the male respondants were unaware that is what they were answering positively to, for the surveyor, in some zanny interpretation of the survey, interpreted rape as even when a male presisted his own sexual wants and needs on a reluctant woman. By this definition, I've been repeatedly raped by several girl friends who wanted sex when I was not in the mood, and similarly I am a repeat sex offender. I am reminded of that famous Walt Witman line, "All historians are liars or else dependent on other liars for their 'facts'." A survey can be constructed to obtain any desirable "facts" that support an alleged changed thinking or way. Kaman is not a statitician, and given feminists habit of playing loose with the facts or making them up entirely (remember Ms Gloria S's false factoid that a sharp increase in wife battering accompanies Superball playoffs a few years back?), one has to question, particularly the tendentacious tone of Kaman, how accurate her so-called "facts" are.

Second, the author claims that women want men at their sides as partners and best friends that will treat them as equals and not subject them to a supposed "male script" of sex, but virtually in the same breath she say tauts a female supremist flag-waving by making, as one reviewer of the book enjoyed, appeal to a bumper sticker that reads: "Women who strive to be equal to men aren't ambitious enough."

Please. Enough of this childish display. Kaman keeps pushing the now-we-girls-are-in-charge agenda and seriously believes it ends there. She ignores that men are by no means static and have over the years taken full advantage of the wannabe Alley McBeals, Felicity's, and Sex and the City's Samanthas, whose appalling vanity can be easily played to serve male agenda.. Men have become exquisitely fine-tuned in this furtive manipulation of female vanity. And as much as Kaman wishes to push out the sterotypical "male locker room talk" with a "female locker room" spirit, she is woefully ignorant of modern male sexual behavior and habits. For on thing, such talk of sex does not occur in the locker for men. Women would be sorely disappointed to know that junk bonds and trading tips on consolidating loans and lowering your CC APR rating are more often the subject matter. Juvenile let-me-impress-my-friends-with-sex-talk antics died out in junior high school. Today, sadly, women are not as interesting--and often prove to be emotionally equivlent to children, where the moment "her way" is not met, the male is declared being unreasonable, misogynistic, or yet alleged to be worse things. There is an insecurity and puerility in such women as these, where once they have served a certain useful sexual purpose of entertainment, soon become utterly boring and insufferable to be around. In short, men have learned to become astute, silent students of the arts of women and have learned to get "his way" by placating the "her way" women Kaman is so fond of. When a man becomes indeed a man, he wants a real woman, and not some child at his side who must have her little way 24/7 and stomp her sweet proverbial foot until she gets it or declare that she's gone. Men finally (especially the 20-somethings of today) are far less chivalrous today and have learned to easily end relationships when their own expectations are not being met and have few if any qualms walking out the door.

Lastly, there is an undeniabe sad spiritual vacancy and jaded sexuality in many of our youth today that Kaman is either wholly unaware of or is thinking is cause for celebration. Sex is great and wonderful--and to be sure important and life affirming. But it is not the panacea Kaman purports. Often sex is used to drown out the awareness of those other essential ingrediants to a fulfilling life that are lacking. In her We-We, sex-is-all-laden bathos, Kaman proves far more a simplistic child than a mature woman. Indeed baby, you still have a long way to go. I wish I could say men don't, and far from being a token gesture of good will to the kinds of women Kaman champions, men too have a long way still to go. The puerile attitude that Kaman favors, however, will be certain to keep both men and women more akin as boys and girls. Screwing ourselves into some blissful forgetfulness and fantasia of so-called "liberation" is simplistic and only for those afraid of anything of deeper worth or depth of sexual spiritual maturity.